They Work Hard for the Money

Before the internet was littered with influencers, us plebes had to rely on celebrities to know where to shop and what to buy. You didn’t get to tell people what lotion to use just because you had an Instagram account. You had to succeed at a job that was completely unrelated to lotions and then accept a large check in exchange for imparting that information on an unsuspecting public. It somehow felt more honest too, because we knew that these celebrities were being paid to push these products. When “GaggedHQ” tells me how much they like Amika brand Perk Up Plus Extended Clean Dry Shampoo, they act like they just love it so much that not telling people would be a disservice to humanity, but we all know the real disservice to humanity is the “#ad” trying to act all natural in the caption, like a common pervert hanging out in a park alone.

I have a challenge for the influencer community. Well, I have two challenges, actually. First, can you just cool it some? Second, when you’re doing an unboxing video, get some help. It makes me anxious (well, more anxious) to watch you try and unpack a box full of the new Harry Styles-flavored Oreos with just one hand while the other hand holds your phone. If you can influence people online, you must be able to influence at least one person in real life to get them to hold your phone for you. Very little could make those unboxing videos seem more staged than they already are and having your Aunt Sandy just out of frame isn’t going to make me question how much you want to taste Harry Styles.

And what’s the strategy behind doing several unboxing videos at once? I have deep concerns about the legitimacy of your excitement if you were patient enough to let a half dozen of these boxes pile up in your mud room. I don’t believe for one second that those Smuckers UnCrustables shaped like Charli XCX tasted particularly good when they showed up at your house, let alone after they’ve been there for five days before you decided now was the time to fire up the ol’ iPhone and ring light.

Influencers the world over have generations of product spokespeople to thank for blazing a trail. It seems like a natural fit that the Kool Aid Man would sell Kool Aid, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t want to be a librarian. I wouldn’t take reading recommendations from a talking pitcher of fake juice, but that doesn’t mean others wouldn’t. And what about Flo from Progressive? Did she find her niche? Or is she an actress that will never get paid to play another role for the rest of her life? Ronald McDonald probably gave up his true passion of murdering kids to sell hamburgers across the land. These people are pioneers!

Celebrity endorsers are essentially the grandparents of influencers and who doesn’t love grandparents? Especially the ones who are giving you the hard sell.

• Jamie Lee Curtis for Activia yogurt – Everyone’s favorite trick-or-treater went from hawking cell phones in the early 2000s to pushing yogurt (that made pushing unnecessary) a decade later. I don’t think very many actresses would have taken this gig. I know celebrities like it when we’re thinking about them, but do they want to be the face we see just before we flush? Self-identifying as the pooping yogurt person could have derailed a lesser person’s career. But not only is Jamie Lee Curtis the first yogurt spokesperson to win an Oscar, I bet she went on some nice vacations with that pooping yogurt money.

  
  

• Jennifer Garner for Neutrogena and Capital One – I would buy anything from someone that survived being married to Ben Affleck. The nonsense she must have put up with! And she did it all with a smile. That Neutrogena must work really well because the skin on her face is so smooth, it looks like she’s been washing it with a pair of Dockers wrinkle-free classic pleated khakis. Did I just introduce another endorsement opportunity for her? Just send me 10%, Jennifer, and we’ll call it good. While I think that most credit card companies are essentially predatory lenders, Jennifer Garner makes the folks at Capital One seem more like the businessmen who are going to tear down the community center in a Hallmark movie and less like the financial terrorist that they are, so kudos to her for earning that paycheck, henny.

  
  

• N’Sync for Chili’s Baby Back Ribs – Turning the Chili’s baby back ribs jingle into a boy band torch song about lost love, all while stranded on a desert island? And getting N’Sync to be in the commercial? It was kind of a genius marketing move. I don’t know how much it moved the needle to get teen girls into their local Chili’s as that is a question lost to time. I bet the wait staff at Chili’s hated it when a group of 13-year-old girls showed up and ordered one basket of baby back ribs to share along with five waters. They probably had to dry their tears with the $0.37 tip that was left for them. Have you ever tried to dry your tears with coins? They’re not absorbent! I also have questions about the storyline in the commercial. That helicopter killed Joey with a crate of ribs and then just left? Getting the hell out of there is what you do when you clog a toilet at a 7-11, not seriously injure the eighteenth actor listed in the credits for My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

  
  

• Fabio for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter – I bet you didn’t think you were going to read that combination of words today, did you? Fabio is undeniably romance novel cover art royalty, but can he sell a product? Is I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter considered a product? Or does the fact that it’s made from reconstituted doll parts and Vaseline runoff make it more of a state of mind? This is maybe the most perfect pitchman/product combo in history. I’ve seen both of these things, but I’m not convinced that either of them are real. You know what is real? ICBINB’s sister product, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! It’s Vegan. It’s Raining Men. OK, I added “It’s Raining Men,” but the rest of the product name is real and is presented with punctuation intact and I like to think vegans are too smart for this bullshit.

  
  

• George Clooney for Nespresso – These ads are weird as shit. How much money does George Clooney need? Doesn’t he own a lake in Italy? I guess lake upkeep is probably pretty expensive, which must be why he decided to be in this ad and take forever to get to the damn point. As far as I can tell, he’s still getting there because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Is Nespresso just a fancy Keurig for rich people who go to afternoon coffee parties while wearing cocktail attire? This seems like more of “this is what we do when you’re not around” situation, as opposed to a “this could all be yours” opportunity. If George Clooney was going to sell something, I would assume that high fashion menswear or nut milks would be more his lane. He’s got a real “plant-based milk” sensibility about him.

  
  

• Lisa Rinna for Depends – I think anyone who is still aware of Lisa Rinna knows that she is always looking for her next gig. The trajectory of her going from selling adult diapers to the Real Housewives is certainly not as far or as impressive as Jamie Lee Curtis going from pooping yogurt to the Academy Awards, but, as Kathie Lee Gifford likes to say, “Everyone has a story.” I can’t decide what my favorite part of that commercial is: the part where they ask her to wear the Depends, “even though you don’t need one,” or the part where they suggest that it’s for charity – all while on a red carpet for what I assume is the opening of an envelope. What charity is it for? The only answer I will accept is “Purified Water for Patriots.” She responded to that request with the confidence of a woman in STEM. I hope everyone in the world who has to wear adult diapers takes on the challenge with the same zest for adventure that Lisa Rinna does, no matter what color your carpet is.

  
  

• Wilford Brimley for Quaker Oats – If there is one truth I hold dear to my heart it is that, to this day, Wilford Brimley and the ghost of Wilford Brimley do not give one shit about whether or I not I enjoy or purchase Quaker Oats. And on top of that, he’s asking me to do math? He’s basically yelling at people about Quaker Oats being cheap. It’s something Quaker Oats has in common with your mother, Wilford. I could have used a little more information about whether the product tastes good, but I guess the absence of taste is yet another thing Quaker Oats has in common with Ma Brimley. In conclusion, Quaker Oats is the common slut of hot cereals and trying to sell it to me with an intense “Get off my lawn!” vibe is ineffective.

Takeaway Quote of the Week

“If you’re good at something, never do it for free,” The Joker in The Dark Knight and probably Jamie Lee Curtis’s agent when he presented her with the Activia Yogurt deal.

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.