Manifesting Spin-offs

The TV landscape in America has really evolved over the years. I don’t mean the kind of evolution that is denied by people who believe that the anniversary of a hippie’s resurrection changes dates every year (Just pick a date, Easter. You are the undecided voter of holidays.). The kind of evolution that I’m talking about is when something changes gradually over time, such as fish growing resistant to the pollutants in their water or the vegetables in my crisper drawer taking longer to rot because they’re on to my bullshit.

In decades past, TV had zero channels dedicated to “news” that intentionally misleads lonely seniors and straight, white men secretly ashamed of their fragility. There were fewer TV shows to choose from, but that made TV viewing more of a shared experience because tens of millions of viewers would tune into the same shows every week. And there weren’t remote controls so people would sit through something that they had absolutely no interest in, just because it beat getting up to change the channel.

You know what else TV used to have that it doesn’t do as much anymore? Spinoffs. A spinoff is when they take a character on an existing show and give them their own show. It reminds me of when rich people buy their adult child a house, just to get him out of theirs. A couple of fairly recent spinoffs are Young Sheldon (a spinoff of The Big Bang Theory) and The Connors (a spinoff of the reboot of Roseanne, but I feel like that only kind of counts because it was spun off only because we found out that Roseanne Barr was racist and the network wanted to keep the money coming in, but not the flack about employing a racist, because you know they were deeply indifferent about employing said racist).

Speaking of racists, Archie Bunker was a racist TV character (because that was a normal thing 40-some years ago, like smoking on airplanes and the idea of Michael Jackson around kids), and he was the star of the classic sitcom All in the Family, and that show had SEVEN spinoffs. There are some you might remember (Maude, Good Times, The Jeffersons) and some you might not, (Checking In, Gloria, 704 Hauser). Norman Lear did all this with ONE TV show! It’s like when the Native Americans would use all the parts of a buffalo to make the things they needed: food, blankets, jet skis.

Spinoffs are like children and dipshits—whether you like them or not, they’re around all the God damn time. You take the good (Better Call Saul from Breaking Bad), you take the bad (Melrose Place from Beverly Hills 90210), you take them both and there you have the theme song to The Facts of Life, a spinoff of Diff’rent Strokes.

But let’s look to the future. Let’s manifest some spinoffs that we need in our lives! Let’s be the change we want to see in the world! Let’s ignore the restriction of a spinoff coming from a show that’s still on the air! Let’s hear it for the boy, as it were. Or, as in most of these cases, let’s hear it for the grown ass women. Spin me up, spin me down, spin me right round!

• Principal Ava Coleman (Abbott Elementary) Speaking of The Facts of Life, I would like to see Ava in a private school setting, supervising four students who got in too deep with crypto. I am confident that she has the ability to raise a hustler and this would be her chance to do it. Or give her four chances, as it were. She could start her own multilevel marketing empire and make the students sell product in exchange for discounted tuition. With the resources available to someone running a private school, think of the how much she could grow her annual Ava Fest event! It would be as big as Lollapalooza, but with less B.O. Her absence from Abbott Elementary would be a real deficit to that show, so I propose that the network doesn’t really announce the spinoff. Moving forward, every episode of Abbott Elementary would just segue into Ava’s new show like that one episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills segued into Vander Pump Rules with no warning in 2013.

  
  

• Crystal Kung Minkoff (The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) Speaking of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I would like a new series built around Crystal Kung Minkoff, please. She was an underrated housewife! She usually seemed reserved, but if someone questioned her version of events, she’d go full millennial and yell, “You aren’t honoring my feelings!” Is there a better housewife argument out there? You can keep your, “I just want to move forward,” because I know you don’t want to and neither do I. Plus, her husband directed the original, animated version of The Lion King and he must have some hot goss on James Earl Jones or Walt Disney’s ghost or how gay Scar was supposed to be vs. how gay he actually came across onscreen. My husband’s old boss didn’t know that The Lion King was set in Africa and I don’t know why this show isn’t already on my TV.

  
  

• Ron Swanson (Parks and Recreation) Can you imagine how short the scripts would be for this show? I mean, Ron said about 10 words per episode of Parks and Recreation, but they were often the 10 best words of the episode. The whole premise of the show could be about how he moved off the grid to avoid being monitored by the government. He could be like the Unabomber, but kind of nicer and more hygienic and not blowing anything up. You know what would get blown up? TikTok after the Ron Swanson dance craze gets posted by his kids, accidentally exposing his location, and the fact that he’s also Duke Silver. I know at the end of Parks and Recreation, he was working for the government, but do you know how many people have disappeared while working for the government? No one does, because the government is hiding that information from us.

  
  

• Renata Klein (Big Little Lies) If the people who made Big Little Lies thought they were making an unlikeable character in Renata Klein, they were DEAD WRONG. To be clear, she is terrible and in real life I would sincerely hope that she be barred from human interaction of any kind, but Big Little Lies isn’t real life! While visiting her husband in prison, she angrily tells him, “I will not not be rich!” and that’s the kind of energy I like to see in my spinoff characters. I always say, “You already drove to the prison to see your husband, no need to make the whole visit about him too.” If someone wants to cross stitch that onto a pillow, please send me a photo. Even though I can’t find it on the internet, I swear that someone yelled, “Fuck you, Renata!” at this woman and now I’m wondering if I just dreamt that up on my own because I thought someone should say it to her. Her spinoff show should definitely be almost exclusively her losing her temper in traffic and hosting parties she doesn’t want to be at. An angry Renata is what America needs right now.

  
  

• Lily Tucker-Pritchett (Modern Family) Lily was the funniest character on Modern Family and I will animatedly roll my eyes at anyone who disagrees with that statement. She brought levity to every situation the way my aunt brings Velveeta Fudge to every holiday gathering: it’s going to be there whether you want it or not. I want to see her move away and go to college. I want to see her rush a sorority. I want to see her try and come from a place of love, but break it down for a motherfucker. Seeing her break the spirit of young men who are way more confident than they have any right to be would be a delight to behold. What if her biological mother showed up one day? What if her biological mother was one of her professors? What if her biological mother was played by Viola Davis as Annalise Keating from How to Get Away with Murder? Move over, Law and Order: SVU. A new most important TV show in history just showed up.

  
  

• Angie Jordan (30 Rock) This one is almost a cheat because we basically got a preview for it in 2011 with the “Queen of Jordan” episode of 30 Rock. I’m hesitant to promote a Sherri Sheperd vehicle as she suggested the world was flat while she was a panelist on The View in 2007. Hopefully, since then, she has taken some adult education courses at her local learning annex or she’s watched Armageddon on TBS and has soaked up the science. I want to see Angie Jordan host a charity function for birds with alopecia and then get angry when someone doesn’t sit in their assigned seat at dinner or doesn’t pay for their winning bid on a Lover’s Getaway package that includes two nights in Fresno and a $30 gift card to the Body Wisdom Massage Therapy School in Clovis (airfare not included) at the silent auction. Or something along those lines.

  
  

• Debbie Downer (Saturday Night Life) Do I want to see a TV show devoted to Debbie Downer because it will make me feel better about my life? I wasn’t thinking that before, but I am now. This woman has never met a bad time that she couldn’t make worse. The list of places she could visit and ruin is endless. Buckingham Palace! Area 51! Mar-a-Lago! Anchorage! She famously said that mad cow disease could live in your body for years before ravaging your brains. This show could be on for years before I’d get tired of hearing her bum people out by dropping some perfectly timed truth bombs. Having fun at your quinceañera? By the time you’re ready to get married the Earth’s climate crisis will be irreversible. Thanks for inviting me to your housewarming party. I love your aquarium. Did you know that depressed dolphins can commit suicide by going underwater and never coming back up for air? Your garden is beautiful. Did you realize that, in most cases, the first and only time a man receives flowers is at his funeral?  You probably feel better already. Or at least better than that dolphin.

Takeaway Quote of the Week

“I need to look good for my party and I refuse to wear anything in my size or appropriate for my age.”

-- Angie Jordan from the “Queen of Jordan” episode of 30 Rock, forging her own path.

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.