The Augusts of Life

August has a weird vibe. It’s still summer, but by now it’s been summer so long that you’ve started to forget what it feels like when it’s not summer and you think you can handle it not being summer, but it’s going to be February again someday and you’re going to feel like a real asshole for thinking that a time that is not summertime, such as February, is preferable to any part of summer.

Don’t believe me? Ask a parking lot. You know every August, parking lots are tired of being scorching hot, with kids running around on them, not being in school on them, and dropping gum and boogers on them. I am certain that parking lots are thinking, “This is bullshit. I want it to be February. Kids are in school. Boogers freeze to kids faces. People are scared shitless because they could slip and fall on me at any moment. That’s the life for me!”

August is historically the least fun part of something that’s normally fun. If August was a meal, it would be the part of the meal where you have to eat arugula. If August was owning a pet, it would be the part where you have to take them to the vet and listen to someone take a wild guess at what’s wrong with your pet, never really figure it out, and still charge you $500 for not solving the problem at hand. If August was a part of sex, it would be the part where you have to try and remember the other person’s name as they're gathering up their underpants to leave.

You know what else August is like? It’s like the third or fourth sequel in a movie series that you’ve always loved, but this one is a little tougher to get behind. It’s like a movie or album from a performer you love, but you feel like they’re asking a lot of you to be even remotely enthusiastic about the turd they’re trying to polish on LIVE with Kelly and Mark.

Like sands through the hourglass, here are the Augusts of my life:

• Batman and Robin (1997) I loved the Michael Keaton Batman movies. I loved the Val Kilmer Batman movie that was decidedly campier. I really wanted to love Batman and Robin, but Jesus Christ in heaven, I am only capable of so much. Part of the charm of Batman movies are the sexy people in silly costumes spouting campy quips, but this took it to an abusive level. I mean, there was a room full of adults that listened to Arnold Schwarzenegger say, with a straight face, into a camera, “Allow me to break the ice: My name is Freeze. Learn it well, for it's the chilling sound of your doom.” If you see something, say something, people! Jeez, Louise.

• Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997) As you can see, 1997 was a disappointing year for me. When Keanu Reeves decided not to return for Speed 2, they should have just closed up shop. He was the main character in the first movie! Well, him and the bus. This is akin to making a sequel to Titanic, but having it take place on a city bus and the door that Kate Winslet was floating on at the end of Titanic is the bus driver. It would never work, right? OK, but if someone decides to make that movie, I want a story credit. Please and thank you.
  

• Jaws: The Revenge (1987) Anyone who listens to our podcast (Fuzzy Memories – available wherever you get your podcasts) knows how I feel about this movie. It’s ridiculous, and I love it, but not for the right reasons. Sharks are bad enough on their own, but sharks that are obsessed with single women of a certain age and secretly follow them on vacation? Steven Spielberg could NEVER. A shark does try to eat an airplane though. COMEDY GOLD.

• Independence Day: Resurgence (2016) What in the extraterrestrial hell were they thinking? They waited 20 years to make the sequel and they couldn’t have waited a few more years, until Will Smith had slapped Chris Rock at the Academy Awards, so his career would be in the toilet and he’d agree to be in it? Jasmine, played by Vivica A. Fox in both films, was a stripper in the first movie and is a doctor in this movie. Listen. I love a non-traditional student. I love a lifelong learner. I love a gal with chutzpa. I don’t love that the screenwriters thought that, after surviving an alien attack, a woman would decide NOW is the time to go to medical school. I now know the world could end any day? I’ll be studying for my MCAT exams while I wait. Also, the aliens were buttholes.

• Scream 3 (2000) I love all of the Scream films, even the new ones, but Scream 3 is the one I love the least. It pains me to say that for many reasons, mostly because Parker Posey is in the movie and she deserves twice as much love as the average person. Another person is coming after Sidney Prescott? How many people did you and your mom piss off? Everyone else that has tried to kill you is dead, so why does this new person think he can do it? Of course it’s a man. Men think they can do anything. I bet it was a man who gave Courteney Cox those god-awful bangs she had in this movie. I thought Courteney Cox’s bangs were hiding under my bed for weeks after seeing this movie and I didn’t sleep A WINK.

• My December by Kelly Clarkson (2007) Have you ever experienced that thing, when you’re pissed off at work, and you write an email and then you think, “I’m going to wait 30 minutes and read that again and then reassess if it’s a good idea to send it?” I think that’s what Kelly Clarkson should have done with this album. I am not ashamed to admit that I have sang-shouted, “Never Again,” hundreds of times in my car, but I’ve never been angry enough to justify creating an almost nine minute song (“Irvine”) that’s mopier than Charlie Brown with seasonal affective disorder. Let’s get you one of those light therapy lamps. My treat!

• Glitter (2001) As American citizens, we all share in the blame for the film Glitter and it’s accompanying soundtrack. Mariah Carey had done nothing but give and give and give to us and we should have been there for her when she needed us. We should have told her this wasn’t a good idea. We should have told her that there are MILLIONS of actors who aren’t good singers, so it’s OK to be a singer who isn’t a good actor. We should have suggested another duet with Boyz II Men. Also, as the soundtrack was released on 9/11, Osama Bin Laden is partly to blame, thus making Mariah Carey the ultimate patriot. Put her on Mount Rushmore, right this minute!

Takeaway Quote of the Week

“Nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but it ain't how hard you can hit. It's how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. It's how much you can take, and keep moving forward.” -Rocky Balboa, presumably talking Courteney Cox through growing out her bangs after filming Scream 3.*

*I know it was a wig. Don’t you dare act like I didn’t know that.

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.