The Cuntocity of Cereal Mascots

A couple of months ago, my husband and I attended a high school graduation reception, which in my opinion, are weird. It’s not weird that we were invited. We’re FUN! It’s weird that they exist because I don’t think they’re fun for the graduate or their family. The parent/guardian personnel are probably stressed out about planning and hosting a party for guests that span an 80-year age range. And the graduate is mostly greeting their parent/guardian’s friends and smiling while being told different variations of, “I can’t believe how quickly you’ve grown up.” Personally, I like to go to graduation receptions and tell the graduates that I can’t believe they’re not older than they are and then tell them that maybe slouching less would help.

At the aforementioned graduation reception, I was delighted to learn that the c-word, of all things, is a hit with teens these days. As I understand it, the girls, gays and theys have reclaimed the c-word. A term that used to be considered deeply insulting and strongly anti-woman is now used in association with feminism and to encourage inclusivity. When you are “serving cunt,” you’re showcasing beauty, strength and composure. We were even told about a sighting at a local mall, where a teen was wearing a camouflage shirt that read, “Cunting Season,” and I was thoroughly delighted by that.

Since then, I’ve been quietly ranking things to see if, and how well, they’re serving cunt. It’s HIGH TIME that someone started using math and science in the most useful way possible and that time is now and I am the user. My initial applications included a variety of topics: sneakers, cheeses, Canadian provinces, men named “Shannon.” However, my findings didn’t lead to any concrete conclusions. I couldn’t tell if Reeboks were more cunty than Pumas. I didn’t have enough data to determine if cottage cheese was cuntier than brie. All the men named “Shannon” seemed to possess an equal amount of cuntocity.

But cereal mascots are the exception. Cereal mascots have a clear hierarchy of cuntiness and it’s on full display below, from least to most cunty.

• Snap, Crackle and Pop (Rice Krispies): I can’t with those hats. These three look like they ran away to join the circus and the circus said, “No thanks, girls.” Are they a throuple? It would help if they were. I don’t know anyone who buys Rice Krispies unless they’re making Rice Krispies Treats which are really just Chex Mix for the pre-diabetic. They do not slay. AT ALL.

  
  

• The Trix Rabbit (Trix): I think he’d be better off if someone made him into a hat. His days are filled with shitty disguises, trying to steal cereal from kids. You know what, rabbit? Kids aren’t that smart and they aren’t that strong. Just go take the cereal from them. What are they going to do? Put you in cereal jail? I get that your deal is tricking kids, but your deal isn’t working. Zero rizz factor on the cunt front, I’m afraid.

  
  

• Cookie Crook (Cookie Crisp): Doing crimes isn’t cool unless you’re going full Robin Hood and redistributing wealth, and maybe that should be a crime in the same way that jaywalking is a crime. I’ll give Cookie Crook credit for going after what he wants, but at what cost? Almost every woman who is currently in prison is there because of a man. Cookie Crisp is Cookie Crook’s man. What has your man done for you lately, Cookie Crook? Nothing! He should become the Erin Brockovich of women in prison and use his familiarity with the legal system to get them early parole. He has loads of unrealized cunty potential.

  
  

• Lucky the Leprechaun (Lucky Charms): While the Trix Rabbit couldn’t get any cereal, this fucker is a cereal hoarder. Points to him for living the mantra, “I can’t take care of you if I don’t take care of me,” but when you’re pushing a mid-grade product, people aren’t going to be that upset if you won’t share it with them. What’s next? You’re not going to share that French fry that you found under your car seat? While I commend his goal of avoiding children, they only want him because of his cereal, which really calls their taste level into question. Like Jan Brady, he’s trying to be cunty, but it’s not really landing.

  
  

• Horatio Magellan Crunch (Cap’n Crunch): This guy has a boat, which is a cunty thing to have. He also has the first name, “Horatio,” and while not particularly cunty, it is a little over the top in the same way that Giada DeLaurentis overpronouncing words is over the top. You know – it’s not illegal, but it’s gross. He never leaves the house without epaulettes, which is a serve unless you’re at Red Lobster and people think you’re dressed to deliver cheddar bay biscuits. The Cap’n is mid-cunt.

  
  

• Sugar Bear (Golden Crisp): Sugar Bear is unbothered by your bullshit. He’s relaxed as can be until you start twitching and activate him. He spent most of the 80s beating the shit out of other animals cause they thought they could fuck with him. We stan a queen who is the embodiment of a Real Housewife proclaiming, “Don’t come for me unless I send for you.” And he’s doing it all with no pants on, to boot. I recognize your cuntiness and I offer my respect.

  
  

• Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes): Do you remember in Toy Story, how Buzz Lightyear thought he was an actual astronaut and he wouldn’t tolerate any opinion to the contrary? Tony the Tiger thinks that Frosted Flakes are good for you, the delusional bastard. (Pro tip: save yourself some time and just eat sugar directly from the paper bag it comes in.) Somehow, this all makes him that much more endearing. That’s being the cunt you want to see in the world, if you ask me. As an Italian-American (he is – FOR REAL), Tony the Tiger can get it. You’d think that red scarf around his neck would hinder his ability to score ass, but somehow he makes it work. Tony the Tiger is an icon, a legend – he is the (cunt of the) moment. He is a cunt server of the highest order!

Takeaway Quote of the Week

“I don’t mean to be a cunt.” -Dawn Weiner in Welcome to the Dollhouse, aka America’s Cunt

Heath Smith is co-host of Fuzzy Memories, the podcast that celebrates the good, the rad and the fugly of the 80s and 90s. He was once asked by a cast member of MTV’s Road Rules if he was from Puerto Rico. In his free time, he enjoys Mariah Carey a normal and healthy amount. For a good time, follow him on Instagram.

Why "Donzerly Light"? Heath says: In elementary school, I thought "donzerly light" was part of the lyrics of the national anthem. I didn't realize that the actual words were "dawn's early light." I just assumed "donzerly" was an old-timey word that meant "majestic" or something like that. My middle school social studies teacher, who thought I was trying to make a joke with “donzerly,” would be 100% irritated by naming my column this way, and that makes it even better.